rants & God questions

I'm hiding in my room at the moment with my Anberlin (who I should be seeing tomorrow at Cornerstone but can't afford to go, sigh) blaring. My mom is watching this freakshow televangelist who updates weekly regarding progress on Biblical prophesies and the rapture and a bunch of other crap that really upsets me. He said the biggest promise in the bible is the rapture. I was just thinking how damn ungrateful you have to be to focus your religion on that. This guy never once mentions how fortunate we are just to be alive, he just talks about this fallen, evil world. There are so many people who would love the chance to be here a little longer, who would actually appreciate the life God's given instead of spending all the time talking about some vague life to come. Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.

I had a bad job interview today. It was for an administrative job that I was definitely not qualified for. It would have been great because it's at a retirement home who also just recently got into the hospice business as well, so that could have been great networking. Anyway three ladies interviewed me asking me all sorts of intricate questions about my past experience and projects I've completed and taken the lead on, and I couldn't help thinking all I've done the 7 years I've been working is take direction from other people and follow through. I'm good at following orders. Now I find myself in a job environment where it's not enough just to be a good worker and listen to your boss. I felt like a 10 year old interviewing with them, in my 30 dollar pinstriped pants and 12 dollar Payless heels with them in their designer suits and stuff.

I don't take well to feeling inferior. I guess I've felt it so much in my life growing up I thought adulthood would be different. It's not. I was wondering today what I would have to show for my life if I died tomorrow. I couldn't come up with much, nothing that seems significant anyway. It makes me think of the Bible verse in James that talks about our life being a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. In its context, it is a warning against boasting about tomorrow and the things you will do, assuming you have control over tomorrow. I can't help but wonder if the verse means we're pretty inconsequential – we're here, and then we're six feet in the ground, to be remembered for a couple generations and then forgotten. I suppose that is okay with me, too. Then on the other hand maybe it is just human to want to a nice little list of accomplishments (or things to "show for" my life) to show I succeeded at anything. That seems like a pretty egoistic thing to want and maybe that is missing the point. When I think about a list of what I have to show for my life all I come up with are things I have failed at. I wonder what God would have me think about my life, if God was here to talk to me in the midst of all these ponderings. I kind of hope God would rip up the list and tell me I am not my mistakes. I bet God would say something like, I can tell you're trying here but refraining from making waves so that people won't dislike you isn't exactly what I made you for. That is, if God is the God I think he (or she… heck, I think God transcends gender but I'm so used to "He" that that's what I'll use) is. I wonder a lot if God is disappointed in our failures or proud of our attempts. If anybody has any thoughts on this subject I would love to hear them.

By way of venting, I have been a big mess of emotion lately. I wish I could blame it on female related issues but I certainly can't. Yesterday I woke up after a terrible dream and spent most of the morning having random outbursts of tears, and then cried probably every couple hours the rest of the day. I cried over Simon Birch (Bri, do you remember making me watch that movie? I think you're the one who forced me to see it…) and then watching Veronica Mars with Niles. Then today I cried cutting onions LOL – not my fault – and watching One Tree Hill when Peyton's birth mother dies. I haven't cried hardly at all in the last months so perhaps I am making up for all the times I held it in. Either way I would sort of like to not be a mess anymore. Here's hoping.

Oh, I did do a couple things well today. I made great brownies from scratch and I made meatloaf. I looked through a cookbook to see if there was something I could make in the next couple days but it's kinda hard when you only know what half of the ingredients are or where the heck to find them in a grocery store.

Laters.

My ex, Rob, was just over. I haven't seen him since probably February or something, which was intentional. I got tired of feeling used by him, him seeing me when it was convenient, things like that. Unfortunately I totally caved when I heard he was in town and he came over for a couple of hours. I guess part of me just wanted to feel something, instead of the stupid numbness and boredom that has encompassed every day for me lately. It didn't go super far, but it was enough to make me feel like I gave him what he wanted and then when he left I questioned whether I had wanted it at all. He just texted saying he didn't expect any of that to happen and he hopes I don't feel like that was intention and he just wanted to see me again. I suppose I will just believe he is telling the truth, and leave it there. I'll see him again sometime in July when he gets back from vacation. He told me he hasn't been with anybody since me even though he said he briefly dated someone down in Champaign where he lives. I wasn't expecting to feel so jealous but hey, it's not like I haven't had my share of dates since we stopped "hanging out." He is moving back to the area in August which wigs me out. I always get my hopes up a little that he will realize what a douche he is and say he wants to be with me again. We'll see. For now I just feel fairly stupid.

Go figure.

I was so excited for the summer it goes to figure that mine has already been a hell of a let down. I miss the city and even the dorm with the attitudinal roommate. I'm doubting my decision to transfer to NIU and the semester plus it may have tacked on to life's "game plan." I'll only be commuting twice a week and am seeking a job for MWF which translates to pretty much no time for myself. So far this summer I had a job I was excited about and then it ended up sucking, and I ended up quitting/getting let go a week plus ago. So I'm still working weekends, when the "game plan" had been to get a job to replace that so I could actually have a life. I only have one prospect and have that job interview on Wednesday. My summer consists of reading books most of the day and then trying to get out of the house, usually by going to Niles' place, to get away from the family before they get home from work. Mom has been insufferable and Dad is his usual unpleasant self. I'm wondering why the hell I decided to stay at school close to home. If I had known how bad things were going to get, I would have applied in a different state and gotten out of here for my last year - 1 1/2. Now I am just stuck here. I'm thinking of applying to grad school in San Francisco but that's still pretty off in the distance. The one reason I am not sure about it is my dog. I am so attached to him that I can't handle even a week without him. He was my dog. Now he's Dad's. It pisses me off because now if I move out I can't take Ty with me since my parents volunteered to take care of his vet bills and stuff when I moved back in after the divorce. Ty loves it here with his big yard too. I kinda thought Ty would be the one thing/person that I wouldn't have to lose. I picked him out when he wasn't even a year old and now he's almost 4. It's crazy how the time has flown. Plus Niles is here for good again. I think in order for me to move across the country, I'd need some closure where there hasn't been any yet. He would need to move on and have a girlfriend or we would have to be strictly platonic friends. So far neither has happened. Shit, how do I get myself into these things. I'm so miserable and it just doesn't seem like things are bound to look up any time soon.

Insomnia

Hello from 2am central time.
Insomnia: 1
Melissa: 0

Right now, my roommate is snoring obnoxiously and I am wondering if this is grounds for justified homicide. Thoughts?

Well, thought it might be time I gave a brief update. First and foremost, instead of asking me "Are you still dating whatshisname?" -- the answer is unequivacally no, regardless of which whatshisname you're talking about. Not so much of a dating hiatus as a methodical kick-all-their-asses-to-the-curb type thing. And no, I don't want to be set up with your brother, cousin, friend's-friend either. I can find my own terrible dates, thankyouverymuch. Ohhkay.

It is finals time here at North Park. You can tell because everyone is ten times rowdier than usual and their ritualistic mating behavior is on the rise. And for me, you know it's finals when I am blogging at 2am. I am fairly certain I will be bombing all my finals despite my studying efforts; when you never really learned the concept to begin with and it's built upon all semester, it's a liiiiittle hard to catch up in two weeks.. call it a lesson. The GPA is in the shitter but fortunately I'm going to NIU and they seem rather accepting of varying degrees of mental capacities there.

One more week at this place and then summer break will be here. Not as though my parents will allow me any real break, because in their "real world" they don't get summer vacations; and you know, the cornerstone of parenting is to make your children as miserable as you are and my parents are nothing if not successful at that one. I am looking pretty hard for a summer job that I can continue into next semester. My schedule for NIU is only Tuesday and Thursday, which I thought gave me a great deal of time for homework and staying sane but alas, my parents have made it clear any day that is not filled with class shall be filled with work. Thus sayeth the Lord, or something... I dunno. I am sad to be saying goodbye to this beautiful city school. I will miss beach days and coffee runs at the local coffeehouse and the amazing snickerdoodles they make there and movie nights with girlfriends. I will miss Laura, Col, Lauren, Tim, Michelle, Ju, Katie, and Kassie. I will miss the dorm when it is quiet and the view from my third story window down the lights and buzz that is Foster Avenue. I will even miss my Spanish professor who sees fit to ask me "Tienes novio?" all the time and tell me there are many eligible bachelors within our classroom. I will not miss the fact that this school's programs do not fit my needs whatsoever. I will certainly not miss my politics class taught by my neocon Bush-supporter professor who enjoys calling me a cultural relativist and explaining that truth is universal (oh yes, he believes his opinion applies to the world... perhaps he should teach in the lecture hall next semester to accomodate his gigantic ego?).

The thing that gets me now at 23 is retrospect. In retrospect, the grass was never really greener on the other side. [Note: I am listening to the sound of a Jewel cart being wheeled down the block by our resident homeless man. And my roommate snoring.] The grass was just different on the other side. So, moving on to NIU, I have very little hope that it will improve my life in any significant way. I'm not sure if this is being jaded, but I'm going to label it realistic. To expect is to be disappointed, and believe me, I've already got that one covered historically and currently. I have no expectations for the fall except for possibly taking classes I give a shit about.

One thing that I am excited for is Niles coming home. He will be home for good in a week or so, and I have hopes that we will have fun together this summer and maybe create a more normal friendship minus a three hour distance. This will give me the excuse to hang out in Wheaton, enjoy scrambled egg & ham stuffed crepes at Egglectic, peruse for tea at SereneTeas, and spend some time around his family, whom I love. They give me hope that a normal, functional family is possible. Plus given my current single status it might be nice to sneak a few kisses on his couch watching a dvd. I'm done beating myself up for still wanting the guy.

That's all, folks... oh, except, did you see Grey's Anatomy tonight? I think Addison is getting her own show which totally means she and Alex aren't going to be a thing and that bothers me. That thing with the elevator talking to her.. that would happen to me, for the record.

Night.

happy april & random thoughts

happy April to everyone.

my life is really weird right now and busy, it takes a lot of effort to procrastinate in the amazing fashion that I do. after I fail two tests tomorrow I'm going to get back into school mode and start really keeping up so I don't get to the point there's no way I can catch up.

in 19 days I'll be 23. that's odd. tomorrow I register for my classes for NIU in the fall and then it'll be fairly official.. leaving north park and moving on to something that may benefit me for grad school. just as I've made more friends at npu, too. it's funny how I hate change yet pursue it so often. I can never stay with anything long enough to get comfortable.

I miss a lot of people. especially this girl from pennsylvania, who knows who she is. I am a terrible friend. as change kicks me repeatedly I get absentminded and the days start going by too quickly and by the time I look up I realize I've lost contact with people I never intended to. then it is too late.

yesterday there was a party at work mostly for kids, we had the easter bunny here and lots of fun stuff for the kids to do. I held more babies in one day than I have in my entire life and people kept telling me how good I was with them. it made me think about the future. someday i will have to get comfortable probably if I ever let myself stop being afraid of that.

there is a new someone in my life. we recently met so I'm not going to post stuff about it for a while and dont even know if it is anything yet. I still don't know if maybe I am too bruised and beaten up from past relationships for it to be kind to be with him. really just a month ago I was thinking I might be texas-bound and realized that I just can't change my life that drastically on a "maybe". I'm afraid things might have changed too quickly and now I am very overwhelmed and have no idea where my life is heading. this time I'm not afraid of being hurt but am terrified about hurting him. my life soundtrack right now would be fingernails on a chalkboard, probably, from me holding on for dear life. maybe with some fall out boy in the background. thanks for the memories or music or the misery. or sophomore slump ("are we growing up or just going down?") somethin' like that.

easter is coming up so quickly and I don't feel like my mentality is anywhere near what it should be around this time. i've always valued being *present* through life and now I feel like I'm wearing a veil or something that is obscuring a lot of the picture. my gut is telling me it's there for a reason and maybe something is ahead that will rip that away. we'll see.

okay, I need to do work at work now. or study spanish. there's no way I'm gonna pass the test though so why bother wasting the time.

again, happy april to all. I hope everyone knows how much I love them, and if we haven't talked lately - we should.

Dating is insane!

So, I have gotten frustrated with my constant backwards-dating, as I call it.. which basically means hooking up with the same exes over and over and never really moving on to anyone NEW. One of my girlfriends met her new boyfriend on craigslist so I put up a profile expecting to get no replies. Instead, I got THIRTY. I wrote back to THREE. I received, even after specifying I'm not looking for random sex, so many pictures of guys half-naked or fully naked (when in my ad did I ask to see their dicks before ever speaking with them?... umm NEVER). Beyond that, I got replies from old men, which is kinda gross. I know I'm mature for my age and I love older guys, but if you have grandkids, odds are, you're too old for me. This is what dating has come to. I am a good girl, I'm smart, funny, pretty, and loyal and have stooped so low that I've resorted to a site that gets me pictures of men's genitalia. *sigh* It's not cool. Maybe one of these three guys will be worth meeting, who knows, one of them was a Christian musician moving to Chicago soon - and he seemed nice. We'll see. I'm actually getting tired of being single, but not so tired of it that I'm going to jump on the first available guy that comes around. I'd rather be alone than with someone who's not right for me.

Well, there's my rant of the day. I'm going to edit my ad to tell people to stop sending me nude photos.

Wow!

So, I have this poet friend named Chris. We have been talking online since I was 13. I can't even remember how old he is, I think ten or so years older than me, but he's been kind of a role model for me. Anyway, he wrote a poem about me when I was fifteen years old. Based (loosely) on events in my own life. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me, and he just got it accepted to an online poetry site as their featured poem of the month. I just wanted to post it:) I still can't believe how much his writing this means to me!


For Melissa

Becky was in a ditch by the 60 east,
Bleeding out her 16 years, missing her family and her friends,
Surrounded by angels taking her places that devils like me can only dream of.
Taking flight the only way that a young soul can,
Meanwhile Jesus taps me on the shoulder,
Reminding me what’s really important and that He is still in control.

Marco took his life last week,
He was strung up on display in the garage,
The cops declared it a crime scene,
And asked his mother to step to the side as she choked on her tears,
After watching her son hanging lifelessly from the rafters.
Self destruction, self hatred,
Exploding into desperation,
The worst chemical reaction I have ever had to see,
A young boy fresh and 16,
Hanging from those ghastly rafters,
His father sitting bewildered on the front steps,
As the cops ask him if he ever noticed that anything was wrong.

So it is a bit darker tonight than usual in southern California,
Angels have turned down their headlights in respect for the dead,
As Melissa sits on the hotel floor,
Feeling life crush her young body to the emotional brink of destruction,
I try to figure it all out and say stupid clichés over the phone to her,
Feeling helpless as I listen to her cry.
I want to take over all of her rage,
Destroy everything on the Earth while screaming “why”,
But then Jesus taps me on the shoulder,
And reminds me to turn my rage into peaceful prayer and thoughts,
That He is in control.
Soon her sobs turn to soft breathing, and I hang up the phone,
Knowing that she is safe and asleep in Peoria.

My last day of freedom

Today is my final day of freedom before returning back to school Monday for the start of the spring semester. So what am I doing to enjoy it? Sitting in my PJs watching Law & Order. I am lame! I'm somewhat excited for the upcoming semester. I will find out if I can trudge through statistics and if I can get through my second semester of Spanish, all the while maintaining my GPA. Wednesday I moved most of my stuff to my new room down the hall; still in Ohlson third floor but to my new roommate, Djougine's room. She and I were friends all last semester but it's going to be interesting living together because we have completely different habits. She studies in the evening, I study in the afternoon. She doesn't watch much TV, while I like to have it on in the background often and I fall asleep to it at night. She stays up late, I'm in bed by midnight. So, we'll see how it works. If it doesn't, there are plenty of empty rooms in Ohlson I could be switched to. It's so weird living in the dorms. I feel like the older sister of my entire floor, because most of the girls are freshman. Half of the ones I talk to have never even been kissed; I've been married, divorced, and have other crazy life experiences under my belt already. I find myself keeping silent a lot in the face of their naive optimism. One girl, one of the least mature girls I've met at NPU, was telling me that her and her boyfriend want to get married in the next year or two. She's 18. She said her main goal is to have children. I advised her to try to wait til she's done with school, but tried not to crush her dreams in the process. I guess I had to go through that entire experience to know I want more than just to be someone's wife, so maybe she will have to learn the hard way too. It's funny to think of who and where I was at 18 and where I am now. It seems like a huge step back. Having been out "on my own", working a real job in the real 9-5 world; and now I'm back in a dorm wearing my sweatpants about 4 days a week, divorced, single. As much of a step back as it might seem, it's how I am pursuing what I want out of life. I wish I was finishing up grad school right now instead of in the middle of my undergrad, but I was stupid and took some very wrong turns. I'm glad it's not too late to get back on track. God is merciful.

Yesterday I went to the movies with my ex-boyfriend. We went to see Apocalypto (I have no clue if I'm spelling that right...) and it was absolutely horrifying to me. I am usually fine with violence - my favorite movies are Pulp Fiction and Fight Club, neither are for the weak-stomached. But this one really grossed me out. Too much beheading and barbaric killings. I did like the subtitles and thought some of the dialogue was really great and even hilarious at points, but when certain characters were used as sacrifice by having their hearts ripped out and then their heads cut off... I was less than enthused. The ex knew it was bothering me and didn't even suggest leaving, and that pissed me off. I spent a good amount of the movie texting my friend who suggested I see the movie and telling him what a dick he is for saying I should see it.

I've seen way too many films over the break. The best of which was The Departed, which I've seen now a grand total of 3 times. My goal is to get everyone I know to see it. Leonardo DiCaprio gave such an amazing performance that I almost forgive him for Titanic. If he doesn't win awards for this role, I'll be furious. He was really good in Blood Diamond too, which I enjoyed, but my friend John disliked. Then again, his ADD kicked in hardcore and it was a 3 hour movie. I like just about any movie that deals with Africa and global issues.

I'm rambling. I think I'm going to go take a nap before my friends and I go swing dancing tonight. Maybe read more of Neverwhere (Neil Gaiman). Later:)