happy april & random thoughts

happy April to everyone.

my life is really weird right now and busy, it takes a lot of effort to procrastinate in the amazing fashion that I do. after I fail two tests tomorrow I'm going to get back into school mode and start really keeping up so I don't get to the point there's no way I can catch up.

in 19 days I'll be 23. that's odd. tomorrow I register for my classes for NIU in the fall and then it'll be fairly official.. leaving north park and moving on to something that may benefit me for grad school. just as I've made more friends at npu, too. it's funny how I hate change yet pursue it so often. I can never stay with anything long enough to get comfortable.

I miss a lot of people. especially this girl from pennsylvania, who knows who she is. I am a terrible friend. as change kicks me repeatedly I get absentminded and the days start going by too quickly and by the time I look up I realize I've lost contact with people I never intended to. then it is too late.

yesterday there was a party at work mostly for kids, we had the easter bunny here and lots of fun stuff for the kids to do. I held more babies in one day than I have in my entire life and people kept telling me how good I was with them. it made me think about the future. someday i will have to get comfortable probably if I ever let myself stop being afraid of that.

there is a new someone in my life. we recently met so I'm not going to post stuff about it for a while and dont even know if it is anything yet. I still don't know if maybe I am too bruised and beaten up from past relationships for it to be kind to be with him. really just a month ago I was thinking I might be texas-bound and realized that I just can't change my life that drastically on a "maybe". I'm afraid things might have changed too quickly and now I am very overwhelmed and have no idea where my life is heading. this time I'm not afraid of being hurt but am terrified about hurting him. my life soundtrack right now would be fingernails on a chalkboard, probably, from me holding on for dear life. maybe with some fall out boy in the background. thanks for the memories or music or the misery. or sophomore slump ("are we growing up or just going down?") somethin' like that.

easter is coming up so quickly and I don't feel like my mentality is anywhere near what it should be around this time. i've always valued being *present* through life and now I feel like I'm wearing a veil or something that is obscuring a lot of the picture. my gut is telling me it's there for a reason and maybe something is ahead that will rip that away. we'll see.

okay, I need to do work at work now. or study spanish. there's no way I'm gonna pass the test though so why bother wasting the time.

again, happy april to all. I hope everyone knows how much I love them, and if we haven't talked lately - we should.