Insomnia

Hello from 2am central time.
Insomnia: 1
Melissa: 0

Right now, my roommate is snoring obnoxiously and I am wondering if this is grounds for justified homicide. Thoughts?

Well, thought it might be time I gave a brief update. First and foremost, instead of asking me "Are you still dating whatshisname?" -- the answer is unequivacally no, regardless of which whatshisname you're talking about. Not so much of a dating hiatus as a methodical kick-all-their-asses-to-the-curb type thing. And no, I don't want to be set up with your brother, cousin, friend's-friend either. I can find my own terrible dates, thankyouverymuch. Ohhkay.

It is finals time here at North Park. You can tell because everyone is ten times rowdier than usual and their ritualistic mating behavior is on the rise. And for me, you know it's finals when I am blogging at 2am. I am fairly certain I will be bombing all my finals despite my studying efforts; when you never really learned the concept to begin with and it's built upon all semester, it's a liiiiittle hard to catch up in two weeks.. call it a lesson. The GPA is in the shitter but fortunately I'm going to NIU and they seem rather accepting of varying degrees of mental capacities there.

One more week at this place and then summer break will be here. Not as though my parents will allow me any real break, because in their "real world" they don't get summer vacations; and you know, the cornerstone of parenting is to make your children as miserable as you are and my parents are nothing if not successful at that one. I am looking pretty hard for a summer job that I can continue into next semester. My schedule for NIU is only Tuesday and Thursday, which I thought gave me a great deal of time for homework and staying sane but alas, my parents have made it clear any day that is not filled with class shall be filled with work. Thus sayeth the Lord, or something... I dunno. I am sad to be saying goodbye to this beautiful city school. I will miss beach days and coffee runs at the local coffeehouse and the amazing snickerdoodles they make there and movie nights with girlfriends. I will miss Laura, Col, Lauren, Tim, Michelle, Ju, Katie, and Kassie. I will miss the dorm when it is quiet and the view from my third story window down the lights and buzz that is Foster Avenue. I will even miss my Spanish professor who sees fit to ask me "Tienes novio?" all the time and tell me there are many eligible bachelors within our classroom. I will not miss the fact that this school's programs do not fit my needs whatsoever. I will certainly not miss my politics class taught by my neocon Bush-supporter professor who enjoys calling me a cultural relativist and explaining that truth is universal (oh yes, he believes his opinion applies to the world... perhaps he should teach in the lecture hall next semester to accomodate his gigantic ego?).

The thing that gets me now at 23 is retrospect. In retrospect, the grass was never really greener on the other side. [Note: I am listening to the sound of a Jewel cart being wheeled down the block by our resident homeless man. And my roommate snoring.] The grass was just different on the other side. So, moving on to NIU, I have very little hope that it will improve my life in any significant way. I'm not sure if this is being jaded, but I'm going to label it realistic. To expect is to be disappointed, and believe me, I've already got that one covered historically and currently. I have no expectations for the fall except for possibly taking classes I give a shit about.

One thing that I am excited for is Niles coming home. He will be home for good in a week or so, and I have hopes that we will have fun together this summer and maybe create a more normal friendship minus a three hour distance. This will give me the excuse to hang out in Wheaton, enjoy scrambled egg & ham stuffed crepes at Egglectic, peruse for tea at SereneTeas, and spend some time around his family, whom I love. They give me hope that a normal, functional family is possible. Plus given my current single status it might be nice to sneak a few kisses on his couch watching a dvd. I'm done beating myself up for still wanting the guy.

That's all, folks... oh, except, did you see Grey's Anatomy tonight? I think Addison is getting her own show which totally means she and Alex aren't going to be a thing and that bothers me. That thing with the elevator talking to her.. that would happen to me, for the record.

Night.

happy april & random thoughts

happy April to everyone.

my life is really weird right now and busy, it takes a lot of effort to procrastinate in the amazing fashion that I do. after I fail two tests tomorrow I'm going to get back into school mode and start really keeping up so I don't get to the point there's no way I can catch up.

in 19 days I'll be 23. that's odd. tomorrow I register for my classes for NIU in the fall and then it'll be fairly official.. leaving north park and moving on to something that may benefit me for grad school. just as I've made more friends at npu, too. it's funny how I hate change yet pursue it so often. I can never stay with anything long enough to get comfortable.

I miss a lot of people. especially this girl from pennsylvania, who knows who she is. I am a terrible friend. as change kicks me repeatedly I get absentminded and the days start going by too quickly and by the time I look up I realize I've lost contact with people I never intended to. then it is too late.

yesterday there was a party at work mostly for kids, we had the easter bunny here and lots of fun stuff for the kids to do. I held more babies in one day than I have in my entire life and people kept telling me how good I was with them. it made me think about the future. someday i will have to get comfortable probably if I ever let myself stop being afraid of that.

there is a new someone in my life. we recently met so I'm not going to post stuff about it for a while and dont even know if it is anything yet. I still don't know if maybe I am too bruised and beaten up from past relationships for it to be kind to be with him. really just a month ago I was thinking I might be texas-bound and realized that I just can't change my life that drastically on a "maybe". I'm afraid things might have changed too quickly and now I am very overwhelmed and have no idea where my life is heading. this time I'm not afraid of being hurt but am terrified about hurting him. my life soundtrack right now would be fingernails on a chalkboard, probably, from me holding on for dear life. maybe with some fall out boy in the background. thanks for the memories or music or the misery. or sophomore slump ("are we growing up or just going down?") somethin' like that.

easter is coming up so quickly and I don't feel like my mentality is anywhere near what it should be around this time. i've always valued being *present* through life and now I feel like I'm wearing a veil or something that is obscuring a lot of the picture. my gut is telling me it's there for a reason and maybe something is ahead that will rip that away. we'll see.

okay, I need to do work at work now. or study spanish. there's no way I'm gonna pass the test though so why bother wasting the time.

again, happy april to all. I hope everyone knows how much I love them, and if we haven't talked lately - we should.

Dating is insane!

So, I have gotten frustrated with my constant backwards-dating, as I call it.. which basically means hooking up with the same exes over and over and never really moving on to anyone NEW. One of my girlfriends met her new boyfriend on craigslist so I put up a profile expecting to get no replies. Instead, I got THIRTY. I wrote back to THREE. I received, even after specifying I'm not looking for random sex, so many pictures of guys half-naked or fully naked (when in my ad did I ask to see their dicks before ever speaking with them?... umm NEVER). Beyond that, I got replies from old men, which is kinda gross. I know I'm mature for my age and I love older guys, but if you have grandkids, odds are, you're too old for me. This is what dating has come to. I am a good girl, I'm smart, funny, pretty, and loyal and have stooped so low that I've resorted to a site that gets me pictures of men's genitalia. *sigh* It's not cool. Maybe one of these three guys will be worth meeting, who knows, one of them was a Christian musician moving to Chicago soon - and he seemed nice. We'll see. I'm actually getting tired of being single, but not so tired of it that I'm going to jump on the first available guy that comes around. I'd rather be alone than with someone who's not right for me.

Well, there's my rant of the day. I'm going to edit my ad to tell people to stop sending me nude photos.

Wow!

So, I have this poet friend named Chris. We have been talking online since I was 13. I can't even remember how old he is, I think ten or so years older than me, but he's been kind of a role model for me. Anyway, he wrote a poem about me when I was fifteen years old. Based (loosely) on events in my own life. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me, and he just got it accepted to an online poetry site as their featured poem of the month. I just wanted to post it:) I still can't believe how much his writing this means to me!


For Melissa

Becky was in a ditch by the 60 east,
Bleeding out her 16 years, missing her family and her friends,
Surrounded by angels taking her places that devils like me can only dream of.
Taking flight the only way that a young soul can,
Meanwhile Jesus taps me on the shoulder,
Reminding me what’s really important and that He is still in control.

Marco took his life last week,
He was strung up on display in the garage,
The cops declared it a crime scene,
And asked his mother to step to the side as she choked on her tears,
After watching her son hanging lifelessly from the rafters.
Self destruction, self hatred,
Exploding into desperation,
The worst chemical reaction I have ever had to see,
A young boy fresh and 16,
Hanging from those ghastly rafters,
His father sitting bewildered on the front steps,
As the cops ask him if he ever noticed that anything was wrong.

So it is a bit darker tonight than usual in southern California,
Angels have turned down their headlights in respect for the dead,
As Melissa sits on the hotel floor,
Feeling life crush her young body to the emotional brink of destruction,
I try to figure it all out and say stupid clichés over the phone to her,
Feeling helpless as I listen to her cry.
I want to take over all of her rage,
Destroy everything on the Earth while screaming “why”,
But then Jesus taps me on the shoulder,
And reminds me to turn my rage into peaceful prayer and thoughts,
That He is in control.
Soon her sobs turn to soft breathing, and I hang up the phone,
Knowing that she is safe and asleep in Peoria.

My last day of freedom

Today is my final day of freedom before returning back to school Monday for the start of the spring semester. So what am I doing to enjoy it? Sitting in my PJs watching Law & Order. I am lame! I'm somewhat excited for the upcoming semester. I will find out if I can trudge through statistics and if I can get through my second semester of Spanish, all the while maintaining my GPA. Wednesday I moved most of my stuff to my new room down the hall; still in Ohlson third floor but to my new roommate, Djougine's room. She and I were friends all last semester but it's going to be interesting living together because we have completely different habits. She studies in the evening, I study in the afternoon. She doesn't watch much TV, while I like to have it on in the background often and I fall asleep to it at night. She stays up late, I'm in bed by midnight. So, we'll see how it works. If it doesn't, there are plenty of empty rooms in Ohlson I could be switched to. It's so weird living in the dorms. I feel like the older sister of my entire floor, because most of the girls are freshman. Half of the ones I talk to have never even been kissed; I've been married, divorced, and have other crazy life experiences under my belt already. I find myself keeping silent a lot in the face of their naive optimism. One girl, one of the least mature girls I've met at NPU, was telling me that her and her boyfriend want to get married in the next year or two. She's 18. She said her main goal is to have children. I advised her to try to wait til she's done with school, but tried not to crush her dreams in the process. I guess I had to go through that entire experience to know I want more than just to be someone's wife, so maybe she will have to learn the hard way too. It's funny to think of who and where I was at 18 and where I am now. It seems like a huge step back. Having been out "on my own", working a real job in the real 9-5 world; and now I'm back in a dorm wearing my sweatpants about 4 days a week, divorced, single. As much of a step back as it might seem, it's how I am pursuing what I want out of life. I wish I was finishing up grad school right now instead of in the middle of my undergrad, but I was stupid and took some very wrong turns. I'm glad it's not too late to get back on track. God is merciful.

Yesterday I went to the movies with my ex-boyfriend. We went to see Apocalypto (I have no clue if I'm spelling that right...) and it was absolutely horrifying to me. I am usually fine with violence - my favorite movies are Pulp Fiction and Fight Club, neither are for the weak-stomached. But this one really grossed me out. Too much beheading and barbaric killings. I did like the subtitles and thought some of the dialogue was really great and even hilarious at points, but when certain characters were used as sacrifice by having their hearts ripped out and then their heads cut off... I was less than enthused. The ex knew it was bothering me and didn't even suggest leaving, and that pissed me off. I spent a good amount of the movie texting my friend who suggested I see the movie and telling him what a dick he is for saying I should see it.

I've seen way too many films over the break. The best of which was The Departed, which I've seen now a grand total of 3 times. My goal is to get everyone I know to see it. Leonardo DiCaprio gave such an amazing performance that I almost forgive him for Titanic. If he doesn't win awards for this role, I'll be furious. He was really good in Blood Diamond too, which I enjoyed, but my friend John disliked. Then again, his ADD kicked in hardcore and it was a 3 hour movie. I like just about any movie that deals with Africa and global issues.

I'm rambling. I think I'm going to go take a nap before my friends and I go swing dancing tonight. Maybe read more of Neverwhere (Neil Gaiman). Later:)

new year, new blog

Why not, right? Managed to come across an old blog of mine from when I was married to he-whose-name-shall-not-be-mentioned. It was depressing, so I deleted it the same way I burned a bunch of his pictures a few weeks ago. Fire has always been my biggest fear thanks to nightmares that have plagued me since a child, but fire has never been so comforting as it erased the forced smiles on both our faces. I looked into the mirror, and the smile wasn't fake anymore. My life improvements seem to follow fuck ups of biblical proportions. Go figure.

So, as if I haven't had a bad enough few days, adding insult to injury is the radio at work that is impossible to turn off.. playing what feels like non stop 80's music. If I believed in karma, I'd say that I must have done something terrible to deserve "come on eileen" when my sanity is holding on by a mere thread anyway. I'm trying to think about new years resolutions. I don't know why I bother when I always break them, but it seems like a good idea to at least contemplate changes that need to be made. My problem is that I'm no good at change, and I fall into the same patterns all the time because I'm too stubborn to admit I was wrong. Even though the result always ends up the same, which is, badly. Number 1 I think is the need to make better emotional choices. To hope a little less about the actions or feelings of others - to focus on what I can control instead. I can choose to protect my heart a bit better. I can stop texting back when Rob texts that he's at "our" hotel and I should meet up - hell, I can stop driving a goddamn hour to see him, then watch the sun come up hating myself. I can stop settling for anything less than what I'm deserving of, before I start believing I deserve the nothing I keep being given.

I'm fairly proud of 2006. I took a lot of chances (most of them didn't pan out, but such is life, and it's the risk-taking that matters), learned a lot, and proved to myself I am not as utterly incompetent as I once felt. My 3.75 GPA is lovely proof of that. Also, I discovered new loves, new ideas, and new dreams. In light of all this, not having a beautiful jerk to kiss at midnight seems unimportant. I'm going to be OK being alone, even if all 2007 brings is aloneness. I'm starting to understand that being alone doesn't have to equal loneliness - and that having a significant (or not so significant, as my past reminds me) other does not always subdue the loneliness either.

I wish I was having coffee in Wheaton or something other than sitting here at work. The quiet is provoking annoying existential thoughts.

Happy New Year to all.