rants & God questions

I'm hiding in my room at the moment with my Anberlin (who I should be seeing tomorrow at Cornerstone but can't afford to go, sigh) blaring. My mom is watching this freakshow televangelist who updates weekly regarding progress on Biblical prophesies and the rapture and a bunch of other crap that really upsets me. He said the biggest promise in the bible is the rapture. I was just thinking how damn ungrateful you have to be to focus your religion on that. This guy never once mentions how fortunate we are just to be alive, he just talks about this fallen, evil world. There are so many people who would love the chance to be here a little longer, who would actually appreciate the life God's given instead of spending all the time talking about some vague life to come. Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.

I had a bad job interview today. It was for an administrative job that I was definitely not qualified for. It would have been great because it's at a retirement home who also just recently got into the hospice business as well, so that could have been great networking. Anyway three ladies interviewed me asking me all sorts of intricate questions about my past experience and projects I've completed and taken the lead on, and I couldn't help thinking all I've done the 7 years I've been working is take direction from other people and follow through. I'm good at following orders. Now I find myself in a job environment where it's not enough just to be a good worker and listen to your boss. I felt like a 10 year old interviewing with them, in my 30 dollar pinstriped pants and 12 dollar Payless heels with them in their designer suits and stuff.

I don't take well to feeling inferior. I guess I've felt it so much in my life growing up I thought adulthood would be different. It's not. I was wondering today what I would have to show for my life if I died tomorrow. I couldn't come up with much, nothing that seems significant anyway. It makes me think of the Bible verse in James that talks about our life being a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. In its context, it is a warning against boasting about tomorrow and the things you will do, assuming you have control over tomorrow. I can't help but wonder if the verse means we're pretty inconsequential – we're here, and then we're six feet in the ground, to be remembered for a couple generations and then forgotten. I suppose that is okay with me, too. Then on the other hand maybe it is just human to want to a nice little list of accomplishments (or things to "show for" my life) to show I succeeded at anything. That seems like a pretty egoistic thing to want and maybe that is missing the point. When I think about a list of what I have to show for my life all I come up with are things I have failed at. I wonder what God would have me think about my life, if God was here to talk to me in the midst of all these ponderings. I kind of hope God would rip up the list and tell me I am not my mistakes. I bet God would say something like, I can tell you're trying here but refraining from making waves so that people won't dislike you isn't exactly what I made you for. That is, if God is the God I think he (or she… heck, I think God transcends gender but I'm so used to "He" that that's what I'll use) is. I wonder a lot if God is disappointed in our failures or proud of our attempts. If anybody has any thoughts on this subject I would love to hear them.

By way of venting, I have been a big mess of emotion lately. I wish I could blame it on female related issues but I certainly can't. Yesterday I woke up after a terrible dream and spent most of the morning having random outbursts of tears, and then cried probably every couple hours the rest of the day. I cried over Simon Birch (Bri, do you remember making me watch that movie? I think you're the one who forced me to see it…) and then watching Veronica Mars with Niles. Then today I cried cutting onions LOL – not my fault – and watching One Tree Hill when Peyton's birth mother dies. I haven't cried hardly at all in the last months so perhaps I am making up for all the times I held it in. Either way I would sort of like to not be a mess anymore. Here's hoping.

Oh, I did do a couple things well today. I made great brownies from scratch and I made meatloaf. I looked through a cookbook to see if there was something I could make in the next couple days but it's kinda hard when you only know what half of the ingredients are or where the heck to find them in a grocery store.

Laters.

My ex, Rob, was just over. I haven't seen him since probably February or something, which was intentional. I got tired of feeling used by him, him seeing me when it was convenient, things like that. Unfortunately I totally caved when I heard he was in town and he came over for a couple of hours. I guess part of me just wanted to feel something, instead of the stupid numbness and boredom that has encompassed every day for me lately. It didn't go super far, but it was enough to make me feel like I gave him what he wanted and then when he left I questioned whether I had wanted it at all. He just texted saying he didn't expect any of that to happen and he hopes I don't feel like that was intention and he just wanted to see me again. I suppose I will just believe he is telling the truth, and leave it there. I'll see him again sometime in July when he gets back from vacation. He told me he hasn't been with anybody since me even though he said he briefly dated someone down in Champaign where he lives. I wasn't expecting to feel so jealous but hey, it's not like I haven't had my share of dates since we stopped "hanging out." He is moving back to the area in August which wigs me out. I always get my hopes up a little that he will realize what a douche he is and say he wants to be with me again. We'll see. For now I just feel fairly stupid.

Go figure.

I was so excited for the summer it goes to figure that mine has already been a hell of a let down. I miss the city and even the dorm with the attitudinal roommate. I'm doubting my decision to transfer to NIU and the semester plus it may have tacked on to life's "game plan." I'll only be commuting twice a week and am seeking a job for MWF which translates to pretty much no time for myself. So far this summer I had a job I was excited about and then it ended up sucking, and I ended up quitting/getting let go a week plus ago. So I'm still working weekends, when the "game plan" had been to get a job to replace that so I could actually have a life. I only have one prospect and have that job interview on Wednesday. My summer consists of reading books most of the day and then trying to get out of the house, usually by going to Niles' place, to get away from the family before they get home from work. Mom has been insufferable and Dad is his usual unpleasant self. I'm wondering why the hell I decided to stay at school close to home. If I had known how bad things were going to get, I would have applied in a different state and gotten out of here for my last year - 1 1/2. Now I am just stuck here. I'm thinking of applying to grad school in San Francisco but that's still pretty off in the distance. The one reason I am not sure about it is my dog. I am so attached to him that I can't handle even a week without him. He was my dog. Now he's Dad's. It pisses me off because now if I move out I can't take Ty with me since my parents volunteered to take care of his vet bills and stuff when I moved back in after the divorce. Ty loves it here with his big yard too. I kinda thought Ty would be the one thing/person that I wouldn't have to lose. I picked him out when he wasn't even a year old and now he's almost 4. It's crazy how the time has flown. Plus Niles is here for good again. I think in order for me to move across the country, I'd need some closure where there hasn't been any yet. He would need to move on and have a girlfriend or we would have to be strictly platonic friends. So far neither has happened. Shit, how do I get myself into these things. I'm so miserable and it just doesn't seem like things are bound to look up any time soon.