new year, new blog

Why not, right? Managed to come across an old blog of mine from when I was married to he-whose-name-shall-not-be-mentioned. It was depressing, so I deleted it the same way I burned a bunch of his pictures a few weeks ago. Fire has always been my biggest fear thanks to nightmares that have plagued me since a child, but fire has never been so comforting as it erased the forced smiles on both our faces. I looked into the mirror, and the smile wasn't fake anymore. My life improvements seem to follow fuck ups of biblical proportions. Go figure.

So, as if I haven't had a bad enough few days, adding insult to injury is the radio at work that is impossible to turn off.. playing what feels like non stop 80's music. If I believed in karma, I'd say that I must have done something terrible to deserve "come on eileen" when my sanity is holding on by a mere thread anyway. I'm trying to think about new years resolutions. I don't know why I bother when I always break them, but it seems like a good idea to at least contemplate changes that need to be made. My problem is that I'm no good at change, and I fall into the same patterns all the time because I'm too stubborn to admit I was wrong. Even though the result always ends up the same, which is, badly. Number 1 I think is the need to make better emotional choices. To hope a little less about the actions or feelings of others - to focus on what I can control instead. I can choose to protect my heart a bit better. I can stop texting back when Rob texts that he's at "our" hotel and I should meet up - hell, I can stop driving a goddamn hour to see him, then watch the sun come up hating myself. I can stop settling for anything less than what I'm deserving of, before I start believing I deserve the nothing I keep being given.

I'm fairly proud of 2006. I took a lot of chances (most of them didn't pan out, but such is life, and it's the risk-taking that matters), learned a lot, and proved to myself I am not as utterly incompetent as I once felt. My 3.75 GPA is lovely proof of that. Also, I discovered new loves, new ideas, and new dreams. In light of all this, not having a beautiful jerk to kiss at midnight seems unimportant. I'm going to be OK being alone, even if all 2007 brings is aloneness. I'm starting to understand that being alone doesn't have to equal loneliness - and that having a significant (or not so significant, as my past reminds me) other does not always subdue the loneliness either.

I wish I was having coffee in Wheaton or something other than sitting here at work. The quiet is provoking annoying existential thoughts.

Happy New Year to all.